I do not know the answers.
I only know my questions and as I live this life each day, all these questions seem to pile up into a tangled string of conundrums.
Please do not ask me how. Because I could not give you your answers...I could not even give myself a decent answer. Do not make me pack my boxes, do not make me fold my past and do not make me leave everything behind. Do not force me to live another life that I am scared of. I do not know how and I do not want you to show me how.
Do not ask me the "what's". I do not know what I want. I do not know what makes me happy. I do not know what makes me smile. I only know that I am doing okay when I hear myself inside my head- when I realize that I am talking to myself, again. I know that I am doing fine when I remember your "what's". I remember our "what's"... I remember us. I remember everything about you. I remember them so much that it hurts to lose them tomorrow. Our memories in the past- it may seem bleak now but I know they were there, they are here, they are ours.
Please do not ask me why. Why do I love you? Why have I loved you? Why do I choose to love you for my forever, life and death. Do not ask these questions because I have been figuring out this myself. Each day I am seeking a rational sense why I live my life loving from afar. Do not ask me why I grabbed your hand when you wanted to leave, why I stood out in the rain trying to run away from you and why I could not force myself to sleep when I started thinking about you. I do not know why and I do not want to know why.
Ask me for whom. I love only you. I will love you- away but forever.
"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."- Rainer Maria Rilke from Letters to a Young Poet
