Mediocrity is something I cannot tolerate. I do no shortcuts or I don't look for an easy way out. I am not a fan of just making sure my work is done or being the second best. That is why people would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I tend to be insensitive because I focus too much on the work at hand instead of the people involved.
I am not likeable either. I am not the best friend anyone could ever have. I frustrate anyone readily easy. I am an introvert. My closest friends would complain on this nasty attitude of mine because I also exclude myself even from them. If you go to my house in any ordinary day with no prior notice, more likely you would find me there.
I recalled my ym conversation with Tsen. She said I have never been this cloistered and buckled within my own comfort zone. She knew me of someone who is willing to reach out to people and take risks. I don't know if this scary transformation I have had something to do with my personal conviction of "trying as much as possible not to disappoint them". When I was a bit younger I am contented with the notion that happiness in life comes after pleasing other people. Pleasing to me has been as easy as cooking a pasta. Oftentimes, I got it right but there are instances that I sogged it too much. I thought that if I pleased other people, they would accept me- all my inconsistencies, my mistakes and my twisted behavior. I thought that if I have enough medals in my wall then people would accept my own way of thinking and complicating things. And I thought if I haven't given other people an opportunity to love me then maybe I would not disappoint them.
I have a predicament on trusting other people; a fear common to a fraction of our human population. Mine is not different at all. I fear trusting people because I fear that I might disappoint not them--but myself. I have a "mirror syndrome" not the kind of naivety wherein one looks at their images on every reflecting window. I tend to explicit the same beliefs, notions and actions of whoever I am or talking with. It is weird that this is a conscious effort. The more I wanted to be accepted by other people, the lesser I become true to myself.
I wanted to be myself without hurting other people.
And God knows how I am trying to break out from this egoistic shell.
