Learning how to say no is one of the biggest challenges I need to overcome while here in Mongolia.
Ever since, I have such difficulty of disagreeing, disapproving and refuting other people. I constantly find myself caving into their requests even if I don’t totally agree with them- always unable to say “No”. If something upsets me, I would hold back and keep it to myself because I don’t want to feel that I have disappointed them.
Finally, the truth was rubbed into me. I am a people pleaser! It was like an addiction far more destructive than alcohol or cigarettes. The addiction of feeling my own worth if people needed me, the obsession of needing people to need me. Weird as it sounds but yes, that is just who I am. It doesn’t matter if my personal comfort or needs are placed on the back burner, what matters most is doing what other people asked me to do. Doing without asking anything in return except for the satisfaction of committing to do it and eventually finishing it.
The first manifestations of my “People- Pleaser” Syndrome was saying “Yes” to all of my friends’ invitations but eventually not showing up because I had previously arranged some appointments with other friends. I started to make up piles and piles of excuses- few of them were convincing but most of them were lame. Then a few symptoms showed up after that: my to-do checklist was jam-packed of things to do for other people; I would always complain of being so tired because I need to finish those requests; I always volunteer in doing the hardest tasks in any group work; I feel guilty if I put my needs first before others and finally, I feel important if I am validated by other people.
There is nothing to lose after all- not everyone has the opportunity to learn new things and more importantly, earn friends and not enemies. But then I realized, if these "supposed" friends only talk to me when they only need something then probably they should not be considered one. Now things have started to change. I have started to accept my flaw, started going out to a fictional " People pleaser Anonymous" rehabilitation program, buffed my lips to say "No" and became truer to myself. Little by little I have learned not to hold back especially if it is against my will. It was really hard at first and it's true that the first "No" will always be a big bump.
But the good thing is that there are always friends who constantly remind me that I can say "No!". Like that when they helped me out in saying "No" to one of our community health volunteers requesting for an inappropriate lunch money.
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| A big bump himself |
