I have been marching in and out
of this desolated awareness of what should have been and where to go-s. And unconsciously, I am creating a lost
version of myself underneath the opened Word documents with nothing but a
series of blinking cursors and random songs from Mayday Parade’s.
I have never realized until now
that this thriving soul is seeking the stroke of a paper and that these throbbing fingers long for the touch of a pen. Indeed it had been too long and
I nearly forgot how to breathe into the spaces of my own respite. I am yearning
for long conversations with my pen and paper and as I strung words and
meanings, I found myself in this state…
People call this a mid-life
crisis. I call this my nth mid-life
crisis- the nth time where I have to re-think what I should have been and where
I should have gone. As I searched for that idealist and brave self that had
once stared at me in the mirror, I found nothing but this lost self pulled back
on step one.
I have never realized how time
would fly so fast while I am catching my own fireflies in the cheating
daylight. And as they say, what matters are not the fireflies but how I caught
them.What matters most are not the
lost hopes and dreams but the lessons I got from the thousand failures.
Every decision in the past had
struck me in whim and caprice. Right and wrong but mainly indecision had hauled
me into this drowning wall and out of my once effervescence.
At 16: “Nursing is what my grandmother wants.”
At 20: “I
don’t know what I want to do but going to USA is something I do not want”
At 22: “ I
want this because it makes me feel good.”
At 25: “ I do not want to do this anymore. Get me out of
here.”
At 27: “Is this really what I want?”
At 27: “Is this really what I want?”
Every time I am haunted by this
mid-life crisis, I go back to my purpose; I go back to His purpose- that insignificantly
significant question:
“Is this what I am made for?”; “Is this what
He has called me for?”
Then it hits me. Often I found
myself walking towards the deception of a midlife crisis because I was asking
the wrong question of whether this is what I really want for myself.
I am unsure of what the future brings but one
thing is certain- that there will still be nth midlife crisis in the future.
And that I will be compelled to think that I should have been in a rather
easier place if only I have decided otherwise.
The funny truth is “what I want”
turns out not to be the compelling solution to my million and one midlife
dilemmas- but “what He wants”.
