I walk the same path everyday. I see the same strange faces and places. And in my head, I mumble a recurring similar thought: that I am not a disillusioned solitaire. Unarguably, I am not lonely and alone, just a solitaire writhing out of the confined space of four-walled silence.
I observe the stranger's face- memorize every angle and the perfect positioning of his moles and birthmarks. I notice the slightest movement on his face. How he winks unknowingly or grimaces on stories that he has first heard of. Oh yes, I stare at him and it amuses me how the simplicity of him crooking his nose could give me bliss.
I am a disillusioned solitaire- not that I am lonely and alone.
In my head, I asked "How was your day?" and in my head, I smiled when I imagined you said " Better now when you are around". I do hope that what I have in my imagination aligns with your reality. This imaginative conundrum defies the fact that I am only a stranger- your stranger. A stranger who always sits in front of you and in desperate hours imagined asking you all my questions but hearing this deafening silence. A silence which means nothing to you but everything to me.
In silence, I stared as you hold her hand. And in that same moment, my heart precedes my head as it howls as if everything has just melted away. "I have never seen you smile this way", " It's okay- as long as you are in front of me...as long as I see you each day, I would be okay", I told myself.
I walk the same path everyday. I see your face different than what I have in my recognition. It was your smile while you are with her that reverberates and eventually dispatches those tiny happy memories.
And slowly I am becoming just a solitaire.
