If it is a natural and inevitable event, why am I totally clueless on the death of my father? I do not know what to do and I do not know how to grieve. Of all people, I should know this by heart since mortality had been too natural witnessing my patients' deaths. On the top of my head, I am aware that a grieving process follows the D-A-B-D-A pattern (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) but right now I am not feeling anything in that spectrum. Was it because it is too early to talk about grieving and that I have not fully digested what has happened? Or was it because people has been expecting this sooner because of his condition?
As soon as I received the call of my uncle (my father's cousin), I was momentarily numb and clueless. I do not know what to feel and how to react. In fact,the first thing I did was to google "what to do when an estranged father dies?" just so I could explain to myself what I am feeling.
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I never expected that what I am feeling right now comes too natural in Google having 18.5 million hits. Though I have visited few sites , I just couldn't find the exact description of my current predicament- is it guilt, remorse, grief, disbelief or plain happy that he won't be suffering for long?
I tried to talk with some of my friends and family about it and even their advice was confusing. I did cry and maybe wail a bit remembering few moments I had with him. But what really helped me think straight is the assurance that God had planned that the death of my father would happen on the 29th of March and on a Good Friday. And like any predicament I had before- I lay it before Him in full faith that He will take me where He wants me to be.
I don't know if he was a good or bad person in his life but one thing I am sure of whether he was good or bad: he was my father and that I wouldn't exist if not for him.
And that I would miss him.
