I am pretty proud of myself today. I enjoyed walking home and daringly traced a new route.Freshly painted houses and unfamiliar faces aligned this newly discovered street in Florentino.Walking helped me space out my mind and unclogged my seemingly cluttered ventricles. For the past days, I have been thinking a lot: of moving out and being stuck in the moment ( humming a U2 song: "Don't say that later will be better.Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it) and feared that in the end that both moving out and being stuck have a very insignificant difference.
Dear 45 year old self,
This has come late, writing to you I mean. I should have done this while I was still in my early teens when daydreaming is as easy as doodling in a paper guided by a thousand invisible thought bubbles above my head. Now, it has become too complicated especially for someone who have fantasized otherwise.Who knows I'll be someone who will count with preschool children on hopes to distract them while I stick needles on them or do some overwhelming painful procedures on them. Who knows I'll be this frustrated-but definitely-not disheartened writer who manages a few literary notes every once in a while. Who knows what has become of me,except for the One who Created me.
I had everything figured out before. At 20 , finish ANY college course, earn a little, marry at 27, stay at home and be the best mom ever. Oh please do tell me, when I am 45, even if I get stuck in some phases a little longer, I'll still get to the last part pretty well.
Dear 45 year old self, 20 more years and I will be in your place and just the thought of it excites me even more. (A lot of people did not manage to do so especially those involved in alcohol, accidents and addiction) On the other hand, a part of me is distressed that whatever path I am choosing now will only bring me to the starting point of being stuck. It seems like I have been waiting for the green light all along, only to find out that the green light bulb is busted.
Dear 45 year old self, will I still have my closest friends at heart? Now that we have grown apart, chooses different paths and have different priorities in life, nevertheless I know that we will always stay friends for life.Will they stick with me even at my grumpiest 40s?
Dear 45 year old self, will I still be bullied by my brothers even at 45? Will I stay gimpy and clumsy and break all our equipment at home? Will I still be the same person who plugged in an expensive 110 watt microwave oven into a 220 watt outlet?
Dear 45 year old self, I know it's too early to worry on things like these. I know I need not worry on things that I have no control of. This is why I am writing to you. This is my way of reassuring myself that I am not capable of doing the right decisions alone, that I am too helpless to figure out what my future holds. Who cares if I'll get stuck up in this blackhole for 5 years or so. As long as God wants me to stay and He is still not leading me away yet, then I'll get stuck with Him no matter what.
- Hopeful 20 year old me.
